


sometimes we talk in my room

by spocklee



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocklee/pseuds/spocklee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death Cruise Vacation Arc is on hiatus but I like thinking about what kind of conversations Leorio and Kurapika would have trapped on a boat together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> they don't even look like they're from the same anime and it cracks me up, bc somehow they still work together really well. sorry if there's any typos, it usually takes me a week after something's published to notice

Kurapika waits for two inevitable things.

One; that because life has only ever gotten more complicated and fast-paced as he survives each new year, the boat will barely leave port before it hits trouble. Giant squids, assassins who snuck on board, poisoned food rations, icebergs in the middle of tropical seas- they’re only the more boring possibilities. He doubts they will make it to the continent itself without trouble.

Two; that Leorio will come bother him about getting more sleep.

-

They stay unusually safe for a whole week before a ship full of pirates (which seems like code for ‘former mafia members who ran from the law and out to sea’) tries to board, and it plays out more like a warm-up than an actual threat. The Hunters throw bodies overboard and into the water with the casual hefting motions of sailors tossing sacks of food. The rest of the pirate crew has escaped into the sunset, with stragglers swimming after the ship and making faint calls full of swear words.

Leorio is one of the few people with noticeable injuries. His eye is swollen shut, and there’s a cut on his arm that he’s already bandaged. Kurapika, standing beside him as the crew cleans up after the brief fight, looks over from the corner of his eye, and lets out an exasperated sigh once he’s assured himself that there’s nothing critical. He’s about to reach out and touch Leorio’s arm, to scold and tell him he shouldn’t have thrown himself in the middle of such a big fight, but his hand falls short. 

Leorio is already walking away, called over to the other side of the deck by Morel, not even noticing Kurapika’s outstretched arm.

-

Two weeks into the journey, and Leorio has said hello, been polite, but nothing else.

-

Kurapika knocks on the door. 

He had spent Day 15 staring at his phone, vaguely angry and unsure of what he wanted to do. By 11:55 pm, ship time, he knew exactly what he wanted to do. By Day 16, 12:05 am, he was in front of Leorio’s room.

Leorio opens the door half a minute after he knocks. He was likely asleep at his desk, judging by the wrinkles in his shirt and the slack in his eyes. There’s a red print on his cheek that was probably left from his face resting on an open textbook. It’s an alarming kind of Leorio-specific moment, one that Kurapika is still not quite used to; to see a painfully young man where normally a confident con-artist in a suit stands. He hesitates for a second too long, and Leorio recovers from his own shock first.

“Kurapika? What’s up?”

He walks in past Leorio while he talks, the moment of hesitation gone, “I couldn’t sleep.”

The room is impractically nice, as all the Zodiac rooms are onboard. There’s a full kitchen despite the ship’s mess hall, a huge bathroom, a living room with a full dining table, a bedroom that overlooks the ocean with windows that could take a cannon blast at point-blank range. It’s the exact same design as Kurapika’s room, which is located on the opposite side of the ship. None of the Zodiac rooms were placed near each other, for safety reasons. Grouping them close together would only make it easier for any enemies to take them all out at once.

There are the little signs that Leorio has lived in the room for the past two weeks that separate it from the others- stacks of books on the dining table and a few still left open in the kitchen next to almost-empty cups of coffee. There’s a few pill bottles out next to an empty plate that Kurapika assumes are vitamins, but he doesn’t pry enough to get a closer look at them. He catches a quick glance at Leorio’s desk, full of pages and notes, and has to look away when he notices the small framed photo of the four of them from years ago. It’s not why he came here, not really. He can feel Leorio watching him from the doorway still.

“Well, I could give you something, a pill to help you sleep, nothing intense but just to help you relax-“

“It’s fine.”

He’s walked with a deliberate aimlessness to the doorway of Leorio’s bedroom. The bed is unmade, but otherwise it’s neat. A familiar suit jacket is thrown over the armchair in the corner. Before Leorio can ask why he’s here if it’s not for medical help, Kurapika starts taking off his shirt. There’s a slight moment where he can sense Leorio, dramatic as always, inhaling from across the room before yelling.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Kurapika turns around, face still. He’s had to be in control for more stressful situations than this, and if his heartbeat is faster and louder than he thought it’d be, at least it doesn’t show in his voice.

“We’re probably going to die on this mission. If we’re ever going to have sex, we should do it now.”

Kurapika’s not sure exactly why he decided to do this, in this way, except to get a reaction. He does. Leorio stumbles backwards, face red, knocks over a pile of books, and manages to make it to the luxury couch provided in the living room before sitting with a motion as if his whole body is collapsing. His head in his hands. Kurapika lets half a minute pass by before he lets go of his shirt, which he hadn’t managed to pull up farther than his shoulders. It settles over his stomach. Something more dismal than anxiousness is threatening his composure.

“I apologize- I thought it was obvious you were attracted to me, but if I was wrong I can leave. I’m sorry if I bothered you.”

Leorio still doesn’t move, but his voice is clear, “No.”

Kurapika doesn’t move, but there’s an anger in the voice that shakes something loose, and he can see his own chest heaving now even though his voice is calm, “No? As in you aren’t attracted to me?”

Leorio removes his hands and looks up, and now he’s the one with a cold expression, “No, as in you weren’t wrong, and no, I don’t think you should leave.” 

Leorio stares at him for a few seconds longer, with an anger more thoughtful than the reckless look he had when they had first met, before getting up with a sigh and walking to the kitchen. His voice sounds softer at least.

“I’m going to make some coffee. Do you want some?”

Kurapika leans against the bedroom door frame, before walking away from it and to the kitchen table, where he pulls out a chair with a shaking hand. It’s not from fear, but from something far more intolerable; guilt. He feels like a child who’s been caught doing something careless.

“Yes. Thank you.”

Leorio doesn’t ask him how he takes it, and when he sets the mug (ship-made standard, with the Hunter Association logo suspended over a calm blue sea) down on the table after two minutes of heavy silence, it’s exactly as Kurapika likes it. Black except for a small bit of honey, which he saw Leorio add in the kitchen. Leorio must have remembered from some café visit in the past. 

The coffee is too hot to drink, so Kurapika just wraps his hands loosely around the cup and looks at Leorio, who is sitting sideways in his chair so he’s facing the wall. His elbow is on the table, his chin leaning into his hand. He doesn’t look angry anymore, but he looks exhausted, which feels worse. He speaks quietly, still looking away.

“Is the coffee alright?”

“It’s still too hot. But it looks right. I’m surprised you remembered how I like it.”

Leorio lets out a sharp exhale and swivels to look at Kurapika, his voice suddenly its usual volume, “Jeez! This is what I mean! I can’t believe it was so hard.”

Kurapika just furrows his brow. Nothing makes sense to him. Leorio just sighs again and keeps talking.

“I mean, this is all you had to do. Come over and have coffee with me, and talk to me like you used to. None of that weird shifty-eyed, mind-game crap. You don’t have a real conversation with me for a year and then you expect to just walk in here and-“ he makes a loose gesture towards the bedroom, “-as if that’s a perfectly normal thing to do!”

There’s something comforting and familiar about the response, and Kurapika lifts the still too-hot mug to his face and finds his voice petulant, “I wouldn’t have done it if I thought you’d be so mad about it.”

Leorio’s voice slips back into the quieter tone from earlier, but now it sounds more sad than angry, “Why did you even do it in the first place?”

Kurapika sets the cup down without drinking, and stares at it on the table. He runs his thumb around the edge before saying anything.

“You haven’t said anything to me since we came onboard.”

He’s still looking down into his coffee, but he senses Leorio lean back in his chair, surprised. 

“I figured you didn’t want me to bother you.”

Kurapika’s head turns up at that, ready for an argument, “You’ve been calling me constantly for a year, why stop bothering me now?”

“I was calling you because you disappeared entirely and I didn’t know if you were still alive, asshole! Not to mention I figured you’d want to hear about Gon. But here-“ Leorio shrugs, “You made it pretty obvious for the past year that I was wasting my time. At least now, I can see you everyday and know you’re alright instead of texting you all the time. I just assumed everyone was getting what they wanted now.”

There’s more Kurapika can say to that, combative sneers and barbs about how he didn’t ask for Leorio’s concern, but the words don’t leave his mouth. He just pushes his coffee away, and lets his head sink into his own shaking arms lying on the table. The worst thing isn’t that he’s upset, but that he’s relieved to hear Leorio talk to him. That he’s letting himself feel that relief. That he missed him. He hears a chair push out against the tiled floor, and Leorio’s voice is soft and moving around the table as he comes closer to him.

“I’m sorry. It’s alright, I’m annoyed but it’s alright, we just need to talk about it. Kurapika? Kurapika, are you okay?”

That’s the part that makes Kurapika’s eyes water, to hear someone say his name so gently and to ask if he’s okay. The last time had been Melody over a phone call months ago, after he’d left the mafia to start chasing leads on collectors. He’d asked her in a stranger’s voice not to call again, and listened to her silent and worried on the other line before she wished him luck and made him promise to call her again before the end of the year. He wondered now if she knew she could rely on Leorio to not be pushed away so easily.

A hand hovers over his shoulder, unsure, until Kurapika unfolds an arm from under his head and puts his hand over Leorio’s. It settles on his shoulder firmly, and he looks up from the table.

“I’m sorry, Leorio.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for calling you all the time. I know you were trying to focus.”

“No. I’m glad you called. I just… I just couldn’t answer.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to explain.”

“Thank you for calling me.”

“No problem.”

“I’m sorry for showing up here tonight and…”

“Assuming I’d rather have sex instead of talking normally for the first time in months?”

“Yes,” Kurapika lets his head fall back on table, letting his hand fall off Leorio’s as he feels it begin to rub circles into his back. He doesn’t mind being teased as long as he knows Leorio’s not actually upset. 

He yawns and closes his eyes, “We can do that later.”

The hand immediately stops rubbing his back.

“Wait. What?”

Kurapika opens his eyes and looks up. Leorio looks frozen in place.

“You said I wasn’t wrong about you being attracted to me. I mean, we don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, I just figured-“

“No- Well, I mean yeah, but- I figured you were just trying to get a reaction out of me or something. I didn’t- You didn’t say the attraction was mutual or anything.”

Kurapika suddenly feels very awake, “Oh. Well. It is.”

“Oh.”

“I mean- I was trying to get a reaction out of you, but I figured I might at least… maybe get something out of it.”

Leorio raises his eyebrows at him.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“So efficient of you, ‘Pika.”

Kurapika turns his head back into his arm, embarrassed and to hide a smile, “Ugh, and don’t call me that.”

He can feel Leorio lean down right next to his ear, obnoxious and childish, “I’m sorry, Pika, either I call you nicknames or proposition you in the middle of the night, they’re both proven ways to get a reaction.”

Kurapika laughs and pushes lightly at Leorio’s chest without looking, lifting his head one final time to tell him to shut up only to realize they’re inches away from each other. His hand found Leorio’s chest but forgot to push, and it’s still there and unsure of what to do now.

“Hey, Kurapika?”

“Yes?” Barely above whispers, too close to speak at normal levels anymore.

“We’re not gonna die on this mission. I wasn’t planning on it. But if we’re going to kiss… we could probably do it now, yeah?”

Kurapika has to balance himself with his other hand around Leorio’s neck as he leans up out of the chair, and it’s such an awful angle and they’re both so tired that it’s less of a kiss and more of him laughing quietly against Leorio’s grin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some leorio stuff.

Leorio smiles into the worst first kiss he’s ever had, easily fifth place out of five. He can feel instead of hear Kurapika breathe out a laugh before he slips out of the chair and stumbles against him. Leorio is still leaning over to compensate for the height difference and combined with hours of studying, his back is refusing even another five seconds of bending. He pulls away and straightens up.

 

Kurapika is smiling too, the kind where his eyes crinkle at the corners as if he’s trying to keep from laughing again. Leorio feels exhausted, in the best way possible, as if he’s finished an uphill climb and can finally take a breath.

 

“You said you were having trouble sleeping right?”

 

“Yes. I was being honest, I really have been sleeping terribly.”

 

Leorio scratches his head, momentarily brushing his knuckles across his face and realizing his cheeks are burning, “I’m, uh, too tired to do anything except sleep right now. But if you want… you could stay?” There’s a few studies he could quote off the top of his head about the occasional benefits of sharing a bed, but Kurapika nods, smiling still but not quite meeting his eye anymore. He doesn’t need to cite anything.

 

A few minutes later he’s lying in bed, listening to the water running in the bathroom. The water stops. The lights outside the bedroom door turn off, and it creaks open as a shadow passes through it and crawls under the covers beside him. They’re both tired enough to ignore any awkwardness, and Leorio lifts an arm automatically for Kurapika to slip under, tucking his head beneath Leorio’s chin.

 

“You comfortable?”

 

“Yes. Thank you.”

 

“Your feet are freezing.”

 

Kurapika just makes a humming noise and taps his ankle with cold toes again before pulling his feet away. Leorio growls in his throat, but a light kiss is planted under his ear and he lets it go.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

He falls asleep too fast to enjoy it.

 

-

 

Leorio wakes up sticky-eyed and with a bad morning taste scratched deep in his throat. Without his glasses, everything is a blur. There’s a light blue blur outside the window that says the weather’s nice. There’s a yellow blur next to his face that’s murmuring. At some point in the middle of the night, Leorio must have pulled his arm free, so now he’s able to untangle himself from the sheets without worrying about disturbing Yellow Blur. He rolls over with more momentum than muscle to reach for the glasses on the end table, and then rolls back over with his head propped up on his hand to look at Kurapika with corrected vision.

 

He’s asleep, which is nice in itself. The bags under his eyes say it’s not something that happens a lot. Leorio was kind of hoping he’d find out something embarrassing, like that Kurapika drools in his sleep or talks out loud in the middle of dreams, but he’s just asleep. His breathing is deep and even, which is reassuring. Leorio lets out a sigh without meaning to, and Kurapika’s eyes open slowly. No matter what, he's in the business of being a light sleeper.

 

“Uh. Good morning.”

 

Kurapika rolls onto his back and pulls the covers over his face, “Good morning.”

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yes. I’m fine.”

 

“Are you… gonna hide in my bed all day?”

 

“No,” the covers slip down from his face just a little so Leorio can see his eyes peering out, “You just… look distracting.”

 

Leorio lifts his head from his hand and looks down at himself, unimpressed; he’s thankful he can’t see his face at the moment, “Like, in a bad way?”

 

“No. It’s-“ the cover slips back over Kurapika’s head and muffles his voice, which sounds miserable, “In a good way.”

 

“I doubt it, I literally just woke up. Oh my god, wait, is this because I’m not wearing a shirt?” Leorio is suddenly hovering over the lump where Kurapika’s face is, grinning, “Are you embarrassed because you think I’m hot? Oh my god, you think I’m a total catch. A complete babe. A hunk-“

 

A satin pillow hitting him square in the face interrupts him.

 

-

 

They get out of bed and get ready for the responsibilities of the day. Meetings, planning, mandated training, lessons. Leorio makes more coffee after dumping the mugs they failed to drink last night, a second plate of breakfast, and they eat together quietly. Kurapika washes the dishes while Leorio stands in front of the mirror and adjusts his suit. He locks the door after closing it, more out of habit than necessity. A tug at his neck prevents him from turning and walking to his first meeting of the day.

 

He looks down and lets himself be pulled down gently by his tie. He gets a kiss on the cheek, and then Kurapika lets go of him and walks away.

 

-

 

Cheadle is easily one of the most important people in the world, and Leorio is grateful that she’s taking time out of her schedule to help him study. There are a million ways she could be spending her time, and instead she’s set aside two hours each day to instruct him in medicine.

 

Leorio isn’t paying attention at all.

 

They’re in the ship’s cramped research lobby rather than one of the lounges. The latter are straight from luxury cruise liners, with deep mahogany walls and overstuffed arm chairs that could fit three people in one seat. One of Pariston’s obnoxious and impractical requests that had been unanimously rejected, but still somehow made it into the final plans. Cheadle had insisted that the lobby- with its few visitors, proper lighting, and hard desks- was a better place to do serious work.

 

“… and the body naturally circulates nen at incredibly fast speeds but low concentrations, so any injection of nen must be… “

 

After this, he still has seven hours of work to do, but after that he can haul ass to his room, ideally before Kurapika even thinks of knocking on the door. By the time he does, Leorio will be lounging on the couch looking sophisticated with a book in his hand and a few buttons of his dress shirt tastefully unbuttoned. He’ll leave the door unlocked so he can hear the knock and call out, “Come in!” as if he was completely involved in his reading and hadn’t spent the last nine hours waiting-

 

“… while traditional injections are done in major blood vessels, nen injections must be done in either extremities or the center of the stomach, depending on the illness or injury, nen type… “

 

How had they spent the whole night and morning together and yet they’d only kissed twice? If they hadn’t ended up pillow fighting earlier, they would have had at least fifteen minutes free to lie in bed and kiss and lazily touch before making breakfast. They were really blowing it in terms of time management and they’d barely started.

 

“… my mistake, earlier I said that the pinkie finger, if available, is the best site of injection… “

 

By some strange coincidence, Kurapika is walking across the far side of the room at the same moment, behind Cheadle and the giant anatomy guide she’s holding. Morel is with him, hands in his pockets and explaining something that Leorio can’t hear from where he’s sitting. They must have just come out of a meeting in the adjacent room. He leans his body out of his seat to look past Cheadle, who’s absorbed in outlining the entire human circulatory system in green highlighter.  Kurapika, by whatever sense, turns his head away from Morel and notices him.

 

Suddenly it’s a grade-school crush. Leorio lifts a hand gingerly, and manages to raise a palm in a tentative wave. Kurapika smiles and gives a small wave back, tilting his head in a way that causes his hair to fall forward. Leorio watches as he tucks the loose strands behind his ear and hurries to catch up with Morel, who’s stopped at the doorway and is smirking pleasantly after witnessing the whole brief exchange.

 

“Leorio?”

 

Morel holds the door open for Kurapika, who leaves the room in a sudden hurry with his head down. Morel gives Leorio a friendly wink before letting it close. Cheadle’s voice sounds louder, as if his ears have just popped.

 

“Leorio? Did everything I explain just now make sense?”

 

“Yes! Of course.”

 

“Well, it shouldn’t have, because it was all bullshit. Honestly, pay attention or don’t waste my time.”

 

 -

 

Most of his day is spent working with the science team. They’re required to spend their time together; exercising in the gym, training their nen, eating meals, planning their projects. Cheadle moves from person to person throughout the day, asking them what they’re doing and telling them how they could do it better. Leorio is far behind compared to everyone else, but it reminds him of his more normal life at the university. He’s learned everyone’s names, and their plans for the future. One woman has a wife and kid, which surprises him. He hasn’t met many Hunters with families.

 

-

 

The last meeting of the day is with the Zodiac. Usually uneventful, but today Cheadle casually mentions in the middle of announcements that Leorio will be staying on the ship for the entirety of the expedition. He freezes in his seat. Cheadle continues her run-on sentence of weather reports and supply levels, even when he finally stands up. Nobody in the room seems phased, though he can sense Kurapika stiffen in the seat to his right. Cheadle finishes listing off plans, and then looks up from her clipboard at him.

 

“Yes? Did you need something, Leorio?”

 

“What’s this about me staying on the ship? Did I do something wrong?”

 

“What? No, of course not.”

 

“Then why the hell am I not allowed to get off the boat?”

 

Cheadle blinks and nods her head, as if she only just now calmly understood why one of her subordinates was yelling during a meeting, “Ah. We agreed before leaving port that you’re not prepared to explore the Dark Continent. It would be much safer for you to stay on the ship.”

 

“I've heard the statistics, nobody is prepared to explore that hellhole! So why just me?”

 

Cheadle’s eyes tense at the corners even as she smiles, “Let me make this more clear. Unlike the people who we _are_ allowing to disembark, who have a 1-8% chance of surviving, there’s a 100% chance that you will die if you set foot on the Dark Continent. While we are prepared for heavy losses, we are not going to bother sending someone who we know for a fact is going to die.”

 

Leorio doesn’t bother fighting the shiver of anger that rattles up his spine, although he does manage to swallow back the wordless scream in his throat in favor of speaking, “Then why did you even bring me on this expedition!”

 

This time, Mizaistom responds, just as composed as Cheadle, “You’re currently popular among the association. Bringing you helped us receive support despite the trip’s dangers. However, the Chairman is right. At the present time, there’s no point letting you walk into certain and probably immediate death.”

 

He looks around the table. Most of the Zodiacs seem bored. He squeezes his hands into fists at his sides to try and calm down, and risks a look down at his side to Kurapika. He's looking down at the table, completely still. Leorio can’t see his expression behind the curtain of hair. Something about that makes him feel colder, and suddenly it’s easy to talk at a conversational level.

 

“So everyone else in the science team- you’re going to throw them at whatever’s on that continent even though there’s at least a 92% chance of them dying?”

 

“They know the costs.”

 

“But right now, I’m worth more as a political pawn than cannon fodder.”

 

Cheadle, nose up and back straight, doesn’t flinch, “Yes.”

 

Mizaistom again, a hint of compromise in his voice, “The phrasing is harsh; but your potential as a healer also can’t be wasted. Having something with medical knowledge onboard is imperative for any crew members brought back to the ship in critical condition, or any injuries or illnesses that will only manifest after leaving the continent. We have to save at least one medical professional for the return trip in case anything happens. It is completely possible that the Chairman herself will die on the continent.”

 

It’s meant as comfort, but it’s the worst thing said so far because it’s completely reasonable. Leorio’s shoulders fall. Cluck groans from where she’s slumped over in her seat, and he can hear someone’s foot tapping. To them, he’s just wasting time. Cheadle coughs.

 

“Is there anything else you wanted to say, Leorio?”

 

“N-no. I’m sorry, I think I need to excuse myself.”

 

He bumps into his chair as he leaves, clumsy and aware of almost nothing except his age as he closes the door too loudly behind him.

 

-

 

When Kurapika knocks on his door, Leorio is not lounging on the couch reading, with his shirt tastefully unbuttoned. He’s sitting at his kitchen table in his boxers and an unwashed t-shirt, rereading the same page of an article on kidney transplants and idly wondering if jerking off would make him feel better or just worse. Leorio doesn’t hear the knocks on the door until they start to get violent.

 

“Shit, I’m coming! Just hold on a minute.”

 

He considers putting on pants, but instead pauses to drink some cold coffee before opening the door. Kurapika only looks down at his boxers for a second before making firm eye contact.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Uh. Yeah. Come in.”

 

He'd completely forgotten the night before, and the serene morning that had followed. Kurapika keeps his distance and stands near the door while Leorio walks back to the kitchen, making a second cup of coffee to keep his hands busy and to avoid eye contact. He can hear Kurapika as he opens a cabinet and sees that he’s run out of clean mugs.

 

“Do you want to talk about the Zodiac meeting?”

 

“Not really.”

 

He closes the cabinet door and finds that Kurapika has slipped closer, so that his disapproving face is only a foot away instead of across the room.

 

“Alright, but don’t you think that you _should_ talk about it?”

 

“Sounds like you think I should think that.”

 

Kurapika follows him out of the kitchen as he desperately tries to find something to busy himself with in the living room, “Don’t be childish. It’s clearly bothering you and you should talk about it.”

 

Leorio manages not to say something bitter about how ironic this advice is coming from Kurapika. He sets down the textbook he's been fiddling with and pretending to browse through, and falls back on the couch with his eyes closed. He breathes out, and notes to himself how comfortable the room temperature is, how there’s a fully stocked fridge, how nice it is that Kurapika is here at all.

 

Kurapika speaks in a quieter voice than before, “Can I sit down?” Said tentatively, because he’s really asking _Can I sit down next to you?_

 

“Yeah,” Leorio doesn’t open his eyes, but after a pause he can feel the couch sink. He likes being able to focus on just the voice and faint warmth of the body next to him.

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

“No. Hell, you just sat down. Just give me a second.”

 

He’s given a few seconds of silence, and when he opens his eyes, Kurapika is looking away from him, towards the opposite wall. A polite attempt at giving him some sort of space, of looking away for the moment. It reminds him.

 

“Hey, why didn’t you look at me during the meeting?”

 

He’s surprised to see Kurapika react with a rueful smile, staring down at his hands, “I was worried that if you saw how mad I was too, it would only encourage you to be angrier,” he looks up at him, smile gone and apologetic, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure what to do in the moment. It’s… It’s why I’m here now. I’m trying to figure out how to help.”

 

Leorio feels a tension in his shoulders lift; he had mistaken awkwardness and uncertainty for coldness.

  

He blows out a sigh, “So at least you were mad too. I walked out of there feeling like I was an idiot for even standing up.”

 

Kurapika relaxes back into the couch, “Of course I was mad. The chairman should have told you in person before the mission. Informing you in the middle of a meeting after everyone else knew was incredibly rude.”

 

A little bit of his former anger snaps back into place, “Wait. So you’re saying you agree with her? That I shouldn’t be allowed to leave the ship?”

 

“Yes- well, I mean, I agree that there’s no reason for you to-“ It’s one of those Kurapika-specific moments that he usually likes, where he’s caught off guard and his expression is opened in surprise because he’s forgotten to keep his walls up, where he looks his age. At the moment, he can hardly appreciate it.

 

“I’m not mad that she told me in the middle of a meeting, I’m mad that she decided it at all!”

 

“Mad that she decided not to send you to your death? Honestly, Leorio, sometimes your pride is infuriating-“

 

They’ve both stood up from the couch now to square off properly, and Kurapika’s gone from openly unsure to visibly livid, and Leorio can’t imagine he looks much different. The morning from earlier that day seems more distant and impossible than the first time they met and fought on another boat years ago.

 

“This isn’t about pride! How am I supposed to look anybody else in the eye after this?"

 

"Who cares if you can't look anybody in the eye, you'll be alive-"

 

"Everybody on the science team- how are we supposed to work together if they think that the only reason I’m here with them is publicity?"

 

"Everyone already knows the Hunter Association is a political mess-"

 

"That they’re considered expendable and I’m not? Everyone on this boat could die and I’m supposed to stand by because of some statistics?”

 

He could go on, could rant and rave all night if he has to, but suddenly Kurapika doesn’t look angry anymore. And it’s hard to be the only one in the room who’s mad, so his chest deflates.

 

“Oh. Oh, Leorio, I didn’t even… I apologize. I thought you were just embarrassed, I didn’t…” he bites his lip and looks down at their feet, “I still agree with the Chairman. There’s no sense in throwing your life away, but I understand how that could make you feel… guilty.”

 

If he doesn’t do something, they’ll stand there awkwardly in his living room without touching for the rest of their lives; Leorio reaches out to put a hand on Kurapika’s shoulder. He looks up at him, and Leorio can see the way his chest swells with a sharp inhale. This must be the difference between who they are now and who they were three years ago.

 

“It’s okay. Give me some more credit next time though, okay? I mean, I was definitely embarrassed, too, but…” he trails off, letting his thumb rub against a collarbone through Kurapika's shirt rather than finishing his sentence, "Thanks for coming to check on me. You were right. I needed to talk about it."

 

Kurapika tilts his head toward Leorio's hand, so slightly that it could be a purely unconscious movement as his eyes drift to the floor again, “You know everyone on this boat has accepted the possibility of dying on this mission, right? Nobody would resent you for staying safe. In fact, they’d probably feel really relieved knowing you’ll survive…” Kurapika's voice falters; a strange and unusual sound. Leorio puts his other arm around him as Kurapika steps forward to press his head against Leorio's chest, his body trembling.

 

“It’s okay. You’re right.”

 

“I’m really relieved knowing you’ll survive, you know?” is murmured against his shirt.

 

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i don't think i can write a sex scene. i just keep picturing kurapika's how-to-draw-90s-anime face floating over the word document and i'm like 'omg'. also i might add another bit later


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did y'all know that the boar and rat zodiac signs are complementary? i found that out last night

When Kurapika feels the rattle in his chest settle, he pulls away from Leorio and grabs him by his faded t-shirt, thumbs brushing up slightly against his neck. He pulls him steadily down to eye-level.

 

“Are you too tired to do anything but sleep tonight?”

 

Leorio’s eyes scan his face even as his breath shakes, “No.”

 

Kurapika kisses him without laughing.

 

-

 

“Have you ever… done this before?” Leorio is watching Kurapika pull his shirt off in his room, wishing he was wearing pants if only so he could take them off and have something to do with his hands. He sees the binder and knows, as a medical pseudo-professional, that he’s going to have to insist they can only do anything strenuous if Kurapika agrees to remove it. He doesn’t want to let any bad habits start.

 

“Sex? A few times. Some other bodyguards of Nostrade’s,” his arms reach behind him at an awkward angle, “Ah, could you help me take this off?”

 

Leorio stands up from the bed and walks the long three feet to Kurapika’s offered back, and undoes the small hooks. The binder falls off and Kurapika catches it, setting it gently aside on a table. He doesn’t stretch or cough as hard as Leorio would like, but he tells himself he’ll nag him about it next time.

 

“So were these bodyguards… nice?”

 

“It was nothing serious,” Kurapika turns to face him, still wearing pants, to examine the stretch of his shoulders with both hand and eye, “It was just to take the edge off sometimes. It’s pretty common in the mafia.”

 

“Ah. I get you. About the edge thing, not the… the mafia thing,” Leorio still can’t bring himself to touch him just yet, waiting for some obvious sign.

 

“The first guy was pretty good.”

 

“Oh. That’s… good,” he lets himself be steered backwards towards the bed, watching Kurapika’s calm face as he continues casually tracing Leorio’s collarbone.

 

“I would think about you every time.”

 

He manages to breathe out a “shit” before falling back on the mattress, pulling Kurapika down with him.

 

-

 

Kurapika doesn’t want to look at the clock on the bedside table and think about how they should fall asleep. They’ve gone through a cycle of calming down, lying in the dark talking, then laughing, then kissing and then suddenly things are in motion again and it starts all over. For the first time in years and in the middle of the night, he doesn’t feel tired, his body warm where it presses against Leorio’s.

 

“Oh god, it’s four in the morning. We gotta be awake in three hours.”

 

“Leorio?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

He hears an angry huff a few inches from his face and then a push against his side as Leorio halfheartedly tries to roll him off the bed. He starts laughing, they start kissing, it starts all over.

 

-

 

Leorio finally falls asleep at six am, curled up with every long limb wrapped around Kurapika’s body, snoring into his sternum. His alarm goes off an hour later.

 

-

 

Kurapika comes out of the shower and finds Leorio sitting at the dining table with his head in his hands. He feels a fizz of panic at the sight, but as he steps across the floor, Leorio looks up and sees him. He looks tired, and that’s all, and then his face breaks into a slow smile. His eyelids droop either with affection or sleep-deprivation. The fizz in Kurapika’s lungs doesn’t go away, but it’s not panic anymore.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

He forces himself to sit across from him and start drinking the mug of coffee he presumes is his. If he lets himself touch Leorio now, they’ll never leave the room. He can sense Leorio blinking slowly at him across the table, and he has to hide his own smile while drinking.

 

“Leorio?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You might want to shower and get dressed before leaving.”

 

“Hm? Oh! Oh yeah, yeah, sorry, I just-“ the chair almost falls over as he gets up, and as soon as Kurapika hears the bathroom door shut, he lets out a sigh he’d been keeping in. Some other morning, they’ll be able to waste time just sitting at the kitchen table.

 

-

 

“Leorio?”

 

“Ah, yes, Chairman? Is something wrong?”

 

“Not exactly, but-“

 

“I’m sorry about not focusing yesterday-“

 

“It’s fine, it’s not that. It’s just that you’ve been smiling the whole time we’ve been studying.”

 

“Oh. It’s just… it’s a really nice day, you know?”

 

“We’ve been discussing human dissection and autopsies of people attacked by rare monsters. We’ve been going over incredibly realistic illustrations for the last fifteen minutes.”

 

“… Yes?”

 

“So stop smiling. It’s creeping me out.”

 

-

 

“Geru?”

 

“Yes, Ginta?”

 

“That Kurapika- doesn’t he seem different today?”

 

“Hm. You mean the good mood? It is strange to see him smile so much.”

 

“He seems off. I saw him bump into three different people in the cafeteria today.”

 

“Leorio was the same way during the science division meeting… Perhaps Kurapika’s just… tired.”

 

“Tired?”

 

“It’s alright, Ginta. I wouldn’t worry over it.”

 

-

 

After the last meeting of the day, Leorio pulls him aside and into a closet down the hall. Kurapika is both exasperated at the cliché of it and grateful that he didn’t have to do it himself.

 

“Sorry, I just… are you coming over later tonight?”

 

Kurapika exhales, “You pulled me in here just to ask that?”

 

“I don’t want the other Zodiacs sniffing around.”

 

“I’m sure they wouldn’t care. Half of them probably figured it out already. Especially if they saw you pull me into a closet just now.”

 

“Shit, that’s true. But are you?”

 

“Yes. I’ve been in your room more than my own the past two days.”

 

“We can always go to your room, it doesn’t have to be mine,” Leorio says it without even an attempt at rudeness. The half-glazed smile from the morning is still in place, despite the close smell of mothballs and detergent.

 

“No. Not my room.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“I just… I prefer yours.”

 

“That’s fine.”

 

They stand there for a few more seconds, and finally Leorio lets out a shaky laugh, “Sorry, I’ll let you go now. See you later.”

 

He manages to open the door and take a step out into the hallway before Kurapika catches him by the elbow and pulls him back inside, and there’s the familiar angle of his back as he bends low enough for Kurapika to kiss him.

 

Kurapika lets go after a moment, and lets out a deep breath, “Okay. Sorry, I just really wanted to do that. I’ll see you tonight.”

 

He hurries out of the closet before he can convince himself to stay.

 

-

 

Leorio convinces himself to catch up on his reading while he waits, and he’s able to focus well enough besides finding himself humming or staring off at a wall from time to time. He cleans the kitchen, organizes his desk, changes the sheets in the bed. He digs around in the back of the bathroom cabinet and finds some candles that he considers putting on his bedside table before muttering to himself and just leaving them by the sink. He reads another chapter. He opens his fridge and tries to think if there’s anything impressive he knows how to cook.

 

He thinks about Kurapika, walking alone to his room, along the edge of the deck and in the cold night air. It doesn’t seem right. He grabs his coat.

 

-

 

Kurapika does not expect a knock at his door.

 

He throws a tarp over the rows of jars he keeps in the corner of the living room, arranged in crates to keep them from shifting with the occasional dip and sway of the boat in heavy weather. He had been counting them, a daily meditation, but now he’s lost track. He blames the interruption for his annoyance when he swings open the door and startles Leorio.

 

“Oh. It’s you. I thought we were meeting at your room?”

 

“I just figured I’d offer to walk you over. Were you busy?”

 

“No. It’s fine, please come in.”

 

Kurapika leaves Leorio to close the door after him, and wonders how he’s supposed to welcome someone. He hadn’t had a house in years, much less a houseguest. He surveys his living room, looking for some hint, and turns around to find Leorio already comfortably leaning on a counter in his kitchen.

 

“I guess they really did make all of our rooms the same. I got a pig-shaped bar of soap in my bathroom though, did you get a rat one?”

 

He folds his hands together, unsure whether to step forward or stay where he is, “Yes.”

 

“I’m sorry if I came too early, I guess it would have made more sense for me to call to see if you wanted me to walk you over. I can leave or wait outside or something if you want.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

Leorio gives him a doubtful look before letting his eyes drift over the room, and settles on the large shape in the corner with the black tarp over it. He doesn’t say anything, but he drops his eyes to the counter and scratches his neck. Kurapika feels as if something unintentionally intimate has happened. A flush rises in his face, and he can’t help the anger that accompanies it, at the two of them for treating the elephant literally in the room like it’s something to be ashamed of, like it’s something filthy.

 

“If it makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you _should_ leave.”

 

Leorio looks back up, a surprised flash in his eyes, “No! I mean, I’m not uncomfortable, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to see- to be here-“

 

“I didn’t. That’s why I said I preferred your room, but it’s too late now.”

 

Leorio looks away, guilty, before sighing and then biting his lip. He meets Kurapika’s eyes again, firm.

 

“We never talk about it. You think maybe we should?”

 

“Maybe I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Not all of it, nothing you don’t want to tell me, but- I didn’t see you for a whole _year_. You can’t keep everything to yourself. I mean, have you talked to _anyone_ about it?”

 

“It’s nobody’s business but mine.”

 

Every word feels like it lowers the room temperature by another degree. Leorio’s eyes soften, and Kurapika wishes he would stop talking, that he would shiver and walk out of the room and they could pretend the whole thing never happened.

 

“Your business is your business. But if you ever want to talk about anything, if you ever need help, I want you to-“

 

“You’re not my therapist, Leorio.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be me. Melody, Morel, hell, even Cheadle would probably be a good person to talk to-“

 

“I don’t need to talk about it!”

 

As soon as he yells it, he’s surprised by how loud his voice can be. He always forgets. His hands have unfolded from each other and become fists at his side. He lets his fingers uncurl from his palms, lets his head fall forward. He lets himself feel tired.

 

“I’m sorry. This was a mistake.”

 

The calm determination on Leorio’s face cracks slightly, “Which part? What do you mean?”

 

“This, everything- this is why I couldn’t pick up the phone-“

 

“Wait-“

 

He feels like he’s outside of his own body as he watches his hands move from his sides, up to his forehead, where they push up through his hair, “If I answered the phone you would have just gotten yourself involved, and then you would have gotten hurt, and I knew that but I still went to your room. I’m such an idiot for letting myself think I could do this.”

 

Leorio doesn’t move from the kitchen counter, “If you want to stop doing… this, that’s fine. But if it’s because you’re worried about me getting hurt-“

 

“It’s because I _know_ you’re going to get hurt.”

 

“What’s up with everyone on this boat telling me they KNOW I’m gonna get hurt? I could get killed anywhere, the world’s a dangerous mess. But if I could help you-“

 

“The likelihood of you getting killed skyrockets considerably around the Troupe. You saw Gon and Killua get kidnapped, and we barely got them back. If they died it would have been my fault.”

 

“And if they hadn’t been there, you would have gotten killed. And they would have blamed themselves.”

 

Kurapika clenches his hands again, “So what? We just decide who gets to die and leaves the other person to feel guilty? Should we flip a coin over it?”

 

“We’re supposed to figure out what’s worth dying over!”

 

Kurapika’s body aches as the words echo in his head, “We have different goals. I have to avenge my family, and you have to become a doctor. We’ll only get in each other’s way. That’s why this can’t happen.”

 

“My goal is to make sure I never let down anyone I care about again. If I become a doctor but let you or Gon and Killua die, then it means nothing,” Leorio still hasn’t moved from the counter, but it’s an important kind of stillness. He’s not budging.

 

He knows the words he has to say, but it feels like they’re anchored to the bottom of his stomach. To say them out loud feels like an insult to the last several years of his life, no matter how true they feel as they climb up his throat, how quietly they fall out of his mouth and on the floor.

 

“If I let any of you get killed because I let you help me, then avenging my family means nothing.”

 

Leorio’s shoulders lift up, then fall back as he sighs, and then he spreads his hands across the counter like he’s about to plan something out, “Okay. So neither of us wants the other to die. We can agree on that.”

 

“Leorio-“

 

“No, seriously. I’m not saying you have to let me throw myself in the way of bullets or anything- don’t make that face, I’m kidding!- but there’s gotta be some middle-ground. Where we can, I don’t know, work together to make sure neither of us gets ourselves killed. Because I can’t do this either if it means letting you keep everything dangerous to yourself. If that’s the way it has to be, I would rather go back to the way it was before. At least then I could still bother you as a friend.”

 

Kurapika closes his eyes. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. He doesn’t open them, even when he hears Leorio walk to the door.

 

“I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I just wanted you to know how I felt before you made a decision. I’ll leave you alone now. Goodnight, Kurapika.”

 

The door closes. Kurapika doesn’t need to find a mirror to know what color his eyes are.

 

-

 

It’s cold out, but the moon is half full and spills an eerie but bright light out across the water. Leorio wonders how possible it is that a sea monster will suddenly grab him off the deck if he gets too close to the railing, but sighs and figures it’s worth it. He leans against the bar, wet with condensation and saltwater, and watches the waves move through the stretch of moonlight. He lets himself stop thinking. It’s not his decision now, it’s out of his hands.

 

He doesn’t realize anyone’s near him until he hears a voice.

 

“It’s not that I don’t want this.”

 

Leorio turns away from the ocean and sees Kurapika standing a few feet way, hands stiff at his side. Leorio doesn’t say anything, and watches him take a step closer.

 

“That’s the problem. I really, _really_ want this,” another step forward, “but there are so many ways this could go wrong.”

 

Leorio manages to breathe out a syllable, “So?”

 

Another step, and now Kurapika has one hand on the rail, looking up at him, “So what if it does?”

 

He turns away to look back at the water, “Then it does. Hell, however things end between us, we could still die on this mission. Terrible things are always gonna happen. They happened before I met you, they’re gonna happen for the rest of my life. But sometimes really good things happen too.”

 

He feels Kurapika settle at the railing next to him, presumably staring at the same patch of moonlight and thinking. Leorio continues.

 

“Did I ever tell you, in the science team, there’s a Hunter with a wife and kids?”

 

Kurapika murmurs, playing into the conversation, “That’s unusual.”

 

“Yeah. She showed me pictures. She seemed really happy.”

 

“She’ll probably die on this mission.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Does her wife?”

 

“I think so.”

 

They look out at the water for another minute, and Leorio breathes out deep, the exhale creating a fog in front of his face, “This expedition shouldn’t exist. If anyone on this boat had any damn sense they’d turn around right now and go home and only come back when the survival rate was more than ten damn percent. What’s so great about this continent anyways?”

 

He turns to see Kurapika softly biting back a smile.

 

“What? What’s so funny?”

 

“Nothing. I’m just thinking about how you shouldn’t be a Hunter. You never should have passed that exam.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“It’s a compliment. You care too much.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You’re too soft.”

 

“It’s sounding less like a compliment.”

 

He must be imagining the space between him and Kurapika getting smaller, and the warmth in the latter’s voice, “You would have failed on that island because you were willing to let Tonpa trick you. You knew better and you still helped him.”

 

“But I passed because you were there to help me.”

 

 The side of a hand brushes against his, “I guess that’s true.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hey. Leorio?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You said you wanted me to talk, right?”

 

“Yeah. I think it’d make you feel better.”

 

The hand shifts against his own, and a shoulder briefly bumps up against his arm.

 

“I did a lot of things to get those eyes back. I didn’t kill anyone, but… I realized something. I like having power. And it’s not about being able to protect people. I already lost the chance to protect too many people years ago… but no, even before then… I hated the idea of just letting people get away with whatever they wanted. And now it’s just about… being angry. And being able to do something about it.”

 

Leorio doesn’t say anything, but he folds his hand over the knuckles that Kurapika is tightening around the railing and lets him keep talking.

 

“Being strong enough to fight back, to stop feeling so helpless all the time, or like all I can do is stand by while the awful people in the world just buy people’s lives and never know what it’s like to be really afraid… I would do anything to stop feeling like that, to pretend like I don’t feel like that every time I remember what happened.”

 

The hand under Leorio’s moves, until it’s palm up and the fingers interlock with his own, as a shaking and quiet voice speaks to the water.

 

“So does that make me a bad person?”

 

“No. It doesn’t.”

 

The hand moves from the railing, pulling Leorio’s along with it until they’re facing each other.

 

“We’re incredibly different people.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“I can’t make a lot of promises.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

“We’ve gotten into an argument every night the past three days.”

 

“I’m fine with that if you are. Did talking make you feel better?”

 

A shaking sigh, “Yes. I think.”

 

“Do you still want to do this?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you still think it’s a mistake?”

 

Leorio opens his arms automatically as Kurapika walks forward and wraps his arms around his neck, leaning his head against his chest in the space where his coat opens up.

 

“I’m not sure. But I think, even if it is, even if something…” Kurapika closes his eyes hard, feeling the rough winter fabric on his face,”even if something happens…”

 

Leorio lets his arms hover over Kurapika’s back, “Yeah?”

 

“That it’s worth it.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [george michael bluth voice] what a fun sexy time for you, kurapika
> 
> but anyways yeah. btw i think if hiatus ever ends then leorio totally will die on that goddamn continent but i'm not even touching that


End file.
